see a brother’s name
writ in red chalk, then
a brother’s name,
exumed from foreign soil.
their numbered years next-
a sloppy list
on a cold sidewalk
that lines the border
between private enterprise
and public agony
i don’t see anyone praying
these lightly chalked epitaphs.
the snow will bury them
again tonight, the cold
will separate powder from cement,
offering up dust
to reverberating emptiness
melt water has never learned of letters,
will carry these names
into a deeper gutter
one comment
Hmm…hope it’s alright to comment since i don’t know anyone else on the site. I just find commenting a justifiable excuse to ignore work…but I digress:
I like the personification of water best, as it shows how nature conquers human futility in the end. The tone works well, very dismal, although I think “public agony” would be better conveyed through imagery, rather than an abstract, conceptual statement. I can see that it parallels the “private enterprise,” but if this poem intends to put show the suffering of the oppressed and war torn, I would want to see a face/many faces for “public agony” to emphasize the humanity that is being crushed, rather than the theory of the human aspect.
Related to parallels, I see a parallel between the “brother’s name writ in red chalk” and the “brother’s name exumed from soil,” but if there is meant to be a parallel, I think the form of the poem could reflect the theme better, both in those parts and also for the last line. (I deplore that form as a method of portrayal has been lost in contemporary poetry, and for what?! Because people thought Ginsberg wasn’t using any form at all? Even Eliot, with his complete disintegration of form, was using it for the purpose of conveying his theme of fragmentation. Form has become secondary to expression, when really, it can enhance it). Anyhow, if this poem wanted to make use of form to enhance meaning, then For the “brother” lines, what about parallel sentence structure and imaging? Bukowski uses this a lot, I’ve noticed, by putting two images on separate lines, but creating a parallel by way of the structure of each line. So: where is the brother’s name writ in red chalk? For if it is exumed from soil, then a parallel imaging would need a place on which to write the name. Also, the second brother image has three lines, versus the two lines of the first stanza. Is the third line necessary, and if so, what does it mean to add a third line? The line, “melt water has never…” could also exude theme by the form of the words: meltwater–to convey the idea of melted water as one, formless blob, the text could also become a blob of letters. As for the gutter line, I can see how dropping it down a line and indenting it implies depth, but it could go a step further and drop gutter to the bottom. Also, the title: is the theme really about homecoming or the transitive state of human life, and thus “going”?
Well, I am sorry for ranting and if I sounded like a pretentious ass. I actually really enjoy literary criticism/talking about writing, so this was just a bit of fun. And if my comments are too directive, I am sorry for that too. I wouldn’t want to tell you what to write or how to. I just know personally, I am disheartened when people’s responses to my writing are “cool, I like it.” Which, I do like the piece, and I respect it, too. back to work.