It’s probably better you never called me back -
I don’t mean to bring you down,
but I probably will.
Lazy ideas wander throughout my brain:
I drink water from piles of tires in the playground,
mosquitoes hatch in the tummy and buzz around a few seconds.
I feel sorry for them
I feel sorry for everyone
so I say I am sorry
so I sing I am sorry
then they turn down my volume.
Just got a job,
but still broke as before
but now with less time.
I need to do more wrong things
since the wrong plans are the
only plans which ever work out.
People walk away when I speak
so I might as well shout,
towns are made for cars now
so these legs are unsure of themselves.
It takes so long to get anywhere -
might as well lie down
and let hunger eat itself.
(let hunger eat my legs
let hunger eat my arms
let hunger eat my head
and the skull inside
the brain the eyes the jaw the lips
hunger will eat my body
and when this body is gone
hunger will eat my bed
hunger will eat my room
hunger will never stop
until a baby cries
then it might stop)
I woke up in a hospital
I thought I saw animals all around me
bears, giraffes, transparent but alive.
I blinked and heard gunfire downstairs.
Then you found me and fed me some water,
it is good you never called me back -
I don’t mean to bring you down,
but I probably will anyway.
Hanging out by the water fountain
watching ants pour out of the sidewalk
I look up and all of a sudden
I can see into the sun and
I see particles of light
not yet exposed to
our contagious darkness
down here.
4 comments
Hello.
I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I connected to your poem. So I am leaving a comment…I hope that is okay.
I related to your poem, especially the inescapability that seems to antagonize you, and the tiniest specter of hope that flits in at the end despite all the heaviness and melancholy that pervades existence. Sometimes, I wish I could disintegrate–for expressing such sentiments, your poetry is strong.
One thing I might suggest (which I hope is not a bother–I enjoy writing, and I’ve found workshops are helpful, so I appreciate when people have their own suggestions–maybe thinking you will find this helpful is presumptuous–take it as you will), is to use the text on the page to convey the meaning. Free verse works for reflecting the poem’s meaning, simply because the sorrow that pervades is not locked into any specific system (if it were systematic, I would suggest a more structured form, but that is not the sense I get from this–systematic influence could also fit into the tone, but it doesn’t seem to define it). So that’s fine. The way you establish stanzas works as well. However, I noticed the line breaks, and more specifically the punctuation, seems to be for the purpose of separating ideas and is more systematic in that sense. Yet, once in a while, the punctuation reflects a more tonal influence. For instance, the second and third lines, show:
“I don’t mean to bring you down,
but I probably will.”
The comma at the end of the second line entails a contrasting thought is to follow, which it does. The period is definitive. In another example, the third stanza only has framing punctuation, which for me conveys a sense of everythingrunningtogether. These are tactics I think could be used more consistently throughout the poem. Then, when the punctuation does appear, it is clear that some sort of shift (as with the comma) or lack thereof is occuring. I think this is especially important for the last stanza and the
“particles of light
not yet exposed to
our contagious darkness
down here”
>>>
I look up and all of a sudden–
I can see into the sun and
I see particles of light,
not yet exposed to
our contagious darkness
down/here.
Back to the third stanza: I noticed the lack of capitalization, and to me, this indicates the thoughts in the parentheses are somehow meant to be less emphasized (that’s also what information inside parentheses traditionally entails, whereas a dash indicates important information lies between, but anyhow, forget tradition–or break it). So, if the lower case does actually imply less importance, why the capitalization in other sections? Capitalized words seem to indicate importance and distinction:
i feel sorry for them
i feel sorry for everyone
If everything is a monotonous amalgamation, nothing needs to be capitalized, until the thought/emotion that breaks the recursive despair.
Anyhow, if this was bothersome or arduous, or a waste of time, I apologize. It was enjoyable for me, and momentarily helped me to dis-connect from gravity.
Have a lovely day.
thanks for your response. as for capitalization, it usually means the breath is being continued through several lines if a line isn’t capitalized. this may not even mean a literal ‘breath’ but even a ‘mental breath’ as in the inner voice which reads it. when applied to parentheses, usually it is not as much an issue of significance or importance, but rather that these are almost supporting details to the main idea. it is as much an issue of attention span as of theory, so when a phrase seems too much for one line i break it up as it gives pause to reflect. separating clauses of a sentence into manageable pieces. but mostly time and voice/breath play an issue in line breaks and is usually based on what seemed right at the moment. thats as much as i can think about my motives right now, and i might contradict myself later. thanks for writing!
Awesome, thanks for responding!
Just so you know, I didn’t mean my criticism to be harsh in any way. I was talking to my friend, and he pointed out it may have come across in a not so considerate way. In truth, I only respond/ criticize (in what I hope is a constructive sense) to writing and writers I respect.
Your motivation for capitalization and structure reflecting an inner voice and expressing it materially is interesting, but I’d like to ask, if you don’t mind–how does that express the intention of the poem?
No problem. I actually tried a poetry workshop when i went to school at State U of Stony Brook, NY, and dropped out after the first week. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go the ‘academic poetry’ route. As for the intention of the poem, i think what may illuminate it more is that a lot of my writing comes from anecdotes, eavesdropped-on conversations, and asides i hear while loitering and travelling. Also digressions factor in a big way too. So the main ‘intention’ or narrative of the poem may be explaining about tough luck, etc, but there are several asides, digressions, jokes, etc just like what would occur during a conversation, or thinking, when a thought is rarely linear. So in keeping with integrity, and the best representation of how my mind works, i include digressions, one-line asides, anecdotes in my poems. Some poems are even meant to convey how difficult it is to convey something. A good analogy is when someone tries to explain something to you, then they try to illustrate it with an example, but the example doesn’t make sense, so they give up on trying to communicate. A lot of false starts and flawed attempts at explanation – i personally find that poetic, its how man tries to convey his situation to another man (gender neutral) who honestly doesn’t really care. chris