I related to your poem, especially the inescapability that seems to antagonize you, and the tiniest specter of hope that flits in at the end despite all the heaviness and melancholy that pervades existence. Sometimes, I wish I could disintegrate–for expressing such sentiments, your poetry is strong.

One thing I might suggest (which I hope is not a bother–I enjoy writing, and I’ve found workshops are helpful, so I appreciate when people have their own suggestions–maybe thinking you will find this helpful is presumptuous–take it as you will), is to use the text on the page to convey the meaning. Free verse works for reflecting the poem’s meaning, simply because the sorrow that pervades is not locked into any specific system (if it were systematic, I would suggest a more structured form, but that is not the sense I get from this–systematic influence could also fit into the tone, but it doesn’t seem to define it). So that’s fine. The way you establish stanzas works as well. However, I noticed the line breaks, and more specifically the punctuation, seems to be for the purpose of separating ideas and is more systematic in that sense. Yet, once in a while, the punctuation reflects a more tonal influence. For instance, the second and third lines, show:
“I don’t mean to bring you down,
but I probably will.”
The comma at the end of the second line entails a contrasting thought is to follow, which it does. The period is definitive. In another example, the third stanza only has framing punctuation, which for me conveys a sense of everythingrunningtogether. These are tactics I think could be used more consistently throughout the poem. Then, when the punctuation does appear, it is clear that some sort of shift (as with the comma) or lack thereof is occuring. I think this is especially important for the last stanza and the
“particles of light
not yet exposed to
our contagious darkness
down here”
>>>
I look up and all of a sudden–
I can see into the sun and
I see particles of light,
not yet exposed to
our contagious darkness
down/here.
Back to the third stanza: I noticed the lack of capitalization, and to me, this indicates the thoughts in the parentheses are somehow meant to be less emphasized (that’s also what information inside parentheses traditionally entails, whereas a dash indicates important information lies between, but anyhow, forget tradition–or break it). So, if the lower case does actually imply less importance, why the capitalization in other sections? Capitalized words seem to indicate importance and distinction:
i feel sorry for them
i feel sorry for everyone

If everything is a monotonous amalgamation, nothing needs to be capitalized, until the thought/emotion that breaks the recursive despair.

Anyhow, if this was bothersome or arduous, or a waste of time, I apologize. It was enjoyable for me, and momentarily helped me to dis-connect from gravity.

Have a lovely day.

I like the personification of water best, as it shows how nature conquers human futility in the end. The tone works well, very dismal, although I think “public agony” would be better conveyed through imagery, rather than an abstract, conceptual statement. I can see that it parallels the “private enterprise,” but if this poem intends to put show the suffering of the oppressed and war torn, I would want to see a face/many faces for “public agony” to emphasize the humanity that is being crushed, rather than the theory of the human aspect.

Related to parallels, I see a parallel between the “brother’s name writ in red chalk” and the “brother’s name exumed from soil,” but if there is meant to be a parallel, I think the form of the poem could reflect the theme better, both in those parts and also for the last line. (I deplore that form as a method of portrayal has been lost in contemporary poetry, and for what?! Because people thought Ginsberg wasn’t using any form at all? Even Eliot, with his complete disintegration of form, was using it for the purpose of conveying his theme of fragmentation. Form has become secondary to expression, when really, it can enhance it). Anyhow, if this poem wanted to make use of form to enhance meaning, then For the “brother” lines, what about parallel sentence structure and imaging? Bukowski uses this a lot, I’ve noticed, by putting two images on separate lines, but creating a parallel by way of the structure of each line. So: where is the brother’s name writ in red chalk? For if it is exumed from soil, then a parallel imaging would need a place on which to write the name. Also, the second brother image has three lines, versus the two lines of the first stanza. Is the third line necessary, and if so, what does it mean to add a third line? The line, “melt water has never…” could also exude theme by the form of the words: meltwater–to convey the idea of melted water as one, formless blob, the text could also become a blob of letters. As for the gutter line, I can see how dropping it down a line and indenting it implies depth, but it could go a step further and drop gutter to the bottom. Also, the title: is the theme really about homecoming or the transitive state of human life, and thus “going”?

Well, I am sorry for ranting and if I sounded like a pretentious ass. I actually really enjoy literary criticism/talking about writing, so this was just a bit of fun. And if my comments are too directive, I am sorry for that too. I wouldn’t want to tell you what to write or how to. I just know personally, I am disheartened when people’s responses to my writing are “cool, I like it.” Which, I do like the piece, and I respect it, too. back to work.